Graduation

A swell of relief and gratefulness mixed with fatigue as I scrambled to check my results at 7.20am. I was thrilled to unveil the conclusion of my undergrad life while struggling to find the right words to aptly describe the thankfulness in my heart.

I was never stellar in academics, with a slew of average grades at most. I recall vivid images of primary and secondary school report cards being splotched with remarks highlighting the display of good character, but nothing much about my hardy attempt at good grades. I thought university would be the same.

Recounting all these gripped me with a sense of mawkish nostalgia, at how perfectly average I am. I had to rely heavily on friends, and whole lot more on God. Sketchy images of late night studying with utown/engin friends, tables strewn with books and papers, coupled with constant laments and errant exchanges with God - all of which underscoring the need for God and friends in my life.

Despite such valiant efforts in keeping to regimes, balancing ministry and school was tough. When the harsh reality of hard work in ministry and lofty intellectual ideals collide, what will we choose?

Trusting Him in spite of turning down internship offers and early job placements at DSO in exchange for more time in ministry; it was difficult, I abhorred the process. But it was the truest, most satisfying experience in my Christian upkeep. While many may see this as cavalier, I saw this as trusting Him.

Exams too was arduous. I recall exams at mpsh trailed with a long hallway, tiled floors, beige walls with squared windows, which allowed the soft glow of the sun to blend with the luminescence of fluorescent lights that buzzed overhead. The cold air-con air exacerbating exam chills, with stress pelting your heart with nervous jitters.

"You have 15 minutes left and no one is allowed to leave the exam hall..."

More often than not, I find myself transfixed at the exam clock, mostly from wide-eyed bewilderment in being unable to comprehend engin complexities. But fast forward time, I made it nonetheless, with a decent 2nd upper honours degree.

My final semester summed it up pretty well, with a healthy mix of exercising and eating well. The journey here had left a deep imprint of friends, memories and blessings, and that God had always been the ultimate orchestrator of it all.

God was a link to my past and, I know without any doubt, a bridge to my future. It was one of the only things in my world that I am sure of, and I'm adamant in not letting go of that completely.

Here's to all undergrad friends who are still undergoing the motion: I pray we go through it well and eventually teach a stoical acceptance of suffering and perhaps a sort of disdain towards academia; such ardor is integral to succeeding well. Too many build up their heads without minding their hearts. Don't just chase intellect, but pursue passion and a greater purpose in life and in what you aspire to do.

2 decades of education taught me much about myself, mostly about how He can use mediocre people like me. Wasn't outstanding to begin with, but with Him, we can shine. Jesus Christ taught me discipline in suffering, and hard work through perspective. Of the lot, He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I've graduated!

Reflection, Post Semester

The college stint took a toll on my family duties of late. But post semester has now paved way for more daily bus rides homebound.

Seeing daddy clasping his hands and holding a wistful smile, together with a slight tremulous voice in his replies to my errant exchanges every morning; it's nice. Either I saw this as naivete, or something as far more beautiful to me.

It just struck me that the time I spend at home is terribly disproportional to how much I treasure family.

This irks me, and is a reflection point.

A Random Rumination

If we truly are to believe we have been saved, then it must be from the brink of certain death.

Anything less does not warrant saving beyond this side of eternity.

Weeding the Garden of My Heart

Amidst the vast expanse of a grassland, lies a garden reflecting hues of yellow and green from its yearly summer bloom of flora. A fleeting glance of the sight cajoles an impeccable imagery of paradise. Oh what a glorious sight.

However at a closer glance, the edges of flowers reveal hints of impending doom; traces of foreign plants, going against the normalcy of what a perfect garden should entail.

Weeds.

Some have walked too long with clouds overhead, and grown to love the dark of shade.

Cowering under the flattery of highly alluring flowers, weeds are grown; out of sight, out of mind. If not careful, by the turn of a season, the summer bloom might just regress into destruction.

Isn't this an apt parallel of our hearts? Whatever we keep secret (or sacred for that matter), in the shade of our beguiling persona, we run the risk of a looming catastrophe.

Navigating the precipice of the heart is a deep sense of vulnerability, an acknowledgement of that which is beyond our control. Weeding the garden of the heart takes immense security, but with rewards far outweighing the smothering subjugation from the weeds.

A musing in my mind of late.

A Sort of Sappy Nostalgia

Feeling a deep sense of nostalgia as I discover the semester coming to a permanent closure. What a poignant reminder mid-semester.

The end of November would see an education of 19 years come to an end. It was a fleeting moment for me to better understand two decades of the journey. I tried to take it all in.

Wide-eyed preadulthood fades away, as does the flawless image of parent to child. But I was fortunate to have been injected with such an accumulation of feelings tonight, knowing that the journey here had left a deep imprint of friends, memories and blessings, and that God had always been the ultimate orchestrator of it all. 

I had honestly expected to leave town green with a sort of sappy nostalgia, at watching myself close a chapter, and seeing and parting with familiar faces. But it turned out to be a blessed experience for me; aspects of my life I can only hope to re-create as I go along my fledgling journey.

A New Book; A New Chapter

Decided to resume my journaling afresh on a new birthday gift, because a new book demarcates a new chapter; and even possibly a new perspective, new paradigm, new phase, new spirit... Have been trudging on a season that's overdosed with heavy heart baggages, which costed me much of my time and energy as a result of being occupied in the process of making sense of what I was feeling. In so doing, the tenets of my paradigm and beliefs in certain things I held on to were shaken tremendously and abruptly. Coping with the mammoth emotional crunch took a large chunk of my emotional-heart capacity and I find myself unable to proceed with powerful, victorious christian life. I really wonder if anyone could identify?

What does it really mean when the psalmist attributes the turnabout of a 'heart failure' to God being "the strength of his heart and his portion forever"?

Whatever it is, I'm determined to walk through this with God. I want to be absolutely adamant in being steadfast, righteous and loving. Whatever deceits the devil clogs my heart with, I pray for a contrite heart in return. This is my new chapter.

Why I Am Unstoppable

My name is Marcus
And I am unstoppable

I don't flirt with or date the church
I'm not infatuated with the church
I have no illusion that the church is perfect

What I have is a commitment to love God's church
Not just with words but with my hands and feet
I'll neither point finger nor look further for the answers in the mirror

I believe God's not dead; He's building the church He died for
A living miracle of a bunch of imperfect people loving imperfect people
I believe God has called us to build this church without walls

My name is Marcus
I am a living stone of God's church
And together we are unstoppable

An Adequate Thank You

I've written many socio-political essays, countless corporate application forms, and even an engineering thesis on real-life complexities. But how does one adequately write a thank you? Through the many years of being a recipient of Your blessings, I find myself counting the many instances and acknowledging the fact that there is simply no way of fully describing how thankful I am to have You in my life. If I were to pen down every nitty gritty, I guess that still, would be a severe understatement to all that You have done in my life.

Considering the times where I was not doing so well, and when I was in a desperate need for someone to revive my lacklustre heart, You did it in ways so unthinkable, so unfathomable. Even when I was so emotionally reclusive to people around me, You placed a song that gripped my heart.

I guess I'm really nowhere near in being able to write an adequate thank you, but 3 years later a song would seem like a better fit, summing up the entirety of feelings I have concluded since 2009. Many would applaud the song for its heartfelt tunes, well placed lyrical balance... But as for me, it was a life journey - one with many hills and troughs - together with the faithful One, whom in all things, orchestrated the melodies of life according to His perfect will and plans.

I want to simply follow You.

And here is my thank You, for all You have done.

These Hands

Realised this Chinese New Year will probably be my last one as a student. Very soon the mantle will be given to me to support the family. The hands that brought me up since young; the hands that provided food for the family, and now it's my turn to do the reverse.

Thank You Lord (Self-Composed)

This would pretty much sum up the gratitude for Him being in my life. Though many things in the past half year hasn't been the most smooth sailing, the only thing worth noting about is Your constant grace and faithfulness that's been working in me; changing my heart and making me into a man after Your own, and a man of unwavering resolute to bring glory and honour to Your Name. I know You're doing something in me, and I want to journey the future together with You, walking with You wholeheartedly, till You say I'm a good and faithful servant. Gonna stand firm in Your Word and promises, and hopefully, my heart will be tamed towards Your heart and Your Kingdom only...

Away from Singapore

Always feeling a sense of guilt and remorse whenever I travel out of the country. While it has been 5 years since the accident, it has been way longer since the family has traveled together; and moving on with normal life seem so unrealistic and unthinkable. Although I know its reality and the natural circumstance that prohibits the simple wants and desires for this family, but yet, on the other hand, this sense of overwhelming guilt is quite unpalatable on moments like this.

Each time when you mention feeling trapped at home - that the house is simply a prison - I can't help but to have second thoughts of not going anywhere away from Singapore; just to make home a little less "trapped" for you.

But sometimes, its really hard for logic to prevail over emotions.

You mentioned of going to Penang, and I promise that once I've saved enough, I'll bring you and the family there. With the amount of time you have left on earth, I will be a good boy to make the remaining time the best days of your life.

Not sure if this is the most balanced way of viewing things, but God please teach me how to be a better son for my family... And soon, I know God will make something out of this, simply because I believe in a God who will make things beautiful in its time.

Happy Papa's Day

I guess this is life as you see it, through your eyes.

Am always painstakingly praying very hard for you everyday; to somehow catch a glimpse of light, or even a tinge heaven. Though you always ask us "when will I ever see again?", I guess I'll never be able to enter your world of permanent darkness, but rest assured that I'll be here for you throughout this life, and of course to the next. By then, we're going to see many more wonderful things, together with our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ; our Daddy God. Here's a happy daddy's day to you, for all my childhood and teenage memories of you taking care of me. Now it's my turn to do likewise.

Also not forgetting the One whom I love - happy Daddy's day to the best dad ever in my life. Thank You for this life, for everything that has happened, and for all that You're going to do. Can't imagine how this journey would've been without You - it's absolutely unimaginable.

Hope that You'll be proud of me

Have always been desperately trying to grasp a tinge of how to cope with the myriad of responsibilities in my life - all of which are so important, and are the things that I treasure so dearly in my heart. Also, it's been close to 5 years since whatever has happened, and I think everyone has started to cope and move on. But somehow, still feeling the repercussions of the aftermath, and the fear of the future.

"How am I going to provide for the family?"

On another facet of the story, it's been exactly 1 year since I took over Northeast. Amidst all the meetings I've held, all the direction we've set, and even the visions and prophecies that were casted, they were all done with so much fear and uncertainty. Beneath the facade of a confident leader, an outspoken care-bear; lies a man who's just so fearful, so afraid of venturing into the unknown terrains in leading human lives. But judging at how things are turning out, I'm just so so thankful that God is the boss. I'm still fearful, but I'm trying - really hard.

Everything around me are so ever changing. People come, people leave. But through mountain highs and valley lows, You are the only constant. God... Help me to find my way home in You as I strive to love You with my ever-changing heart. And at the end of the day, I hope You'll be proud of me.

"Everyday I pray, Jesus more of You each day
All my life proclaims, ten thousand reasons to be praised
What else can I say to You O Lord
You are my everything"

The last day of 2013

Knowingly or unknowingly, yet another year has passed. Looking in retrospect, it's scary how fast time flies; but here I am on the eve of the new year - thankful to journal how good God has been in my life.

It has undoubtedly been a busy year. A year filled with many more responsibilities to take on. Responsibilities that I hold so dear to. But prayerfully, by God's grace, hoping desperately in my heart that it turns out right... Throughout this year, I've seen how God has moved despite my failures, my unfaithfulness, and even in my times of doubt. But yet, somehow, God still moved in my life. He proved me otherwise.

Often, I underrate God's ability to be patient; to be able to work through failures like me.

Despite my unfaithfulness, God is faithful to work in my family. One of the greatest thanksgiving this year is the baptism of my late grandmother. Being a staunch Taoist all her life, God's ability to transform hearts just leaves me breathless. Just weeks before her passing on, her obedience to Christ changed many things; one of which is: changing a 'goodbye' to a 'see you later'.

I guess that are many reasons that I could find to thank God for. However, writing it all here might seem like an understatement to all that God has done. Also, remembering all the nitty gritty details will somehow dilute the story, so it's best not to. But nonetheless, on the last day of 2013 - the eve of 2014 - I guess what's only really worth remembering this year is: God's faithfulness in my life, His goodness in my family, and His nature to remember His promises; forever being so patient with us, even though we don't deserve any of it.

So, concluding 2013 with much thanksgiving because I have You. 2014, here we come...

真的想要感谢祢.

Salvation

Being a staunch Taoist all her life, yet she took the step faith to follow Jesus and be water baptised.

With only a few months to live, she received Salvation.

One by one, God did His work. How can I ever repay God's kindness towards this family?

You are just so good..

Thank You Dad.

What I really want

People who celebrated my birthday this year kept asking me what my birthday wish was... 

My wish is to be more like Jesus. Nothing else in this world I want more than this. And hopefully what follows after that is: God blessing the people around me whom I treasure so much..

何等荣耀能全心摆上服事我主我王.

Memories

These are memories that I want to keep for life. Dear heart and brain, please etch them into my memory banks and please never ever forget...

Humans, not places, make memories.

家

"The heart, like the mind, has a memory. And in it are kept the most precious keepsakes..."

It's so scary how fast time flies, and my greatest fear is to lose memories that were created a decade ago. Have been trying hard to recall the past where daddy used to bring me out on Sundays, spending our Sunday mornings going out for breakfast, following that would either be cycling, going to Funan IT mall, watching soccer/Formula 1, or just spending some time with him at home. But somehow all these feels so foreign, so distant, so forgotten... I've discovered that the process of creating memories are so pleasant, so memorable, but on the contrary, the thought of loosing them is altogether so frightening.

Does anyone feel the same way as me?

Perhaps that's the reason why I enjoy the feeling of coming home from a foreign land so much, more than the trip itself. Maybe the nostalgia of home as you walk down the arrival hall that says "Welcome Home" could remind me of what my home feels like, or what it used to be like. Probably this could be the panacea for mnemophobia?

But then again, what is home really? Is it an environment where my family resides? A place where memories are forged? Or both? Or something else not confined by our physical space-time continuum - spiritual realm?

I'm not sure really, but as of now, I can only thank Him for the countless blessings that He has poured out onto this family and that He is really really faithful to His children, knowing full well that He is my loving Father and that He is the head of the home I treasure so dearly. 

With that, I guess what best defines home would be...

如果我们每天祈祷，有一天一定会到达那里

Though improvements may not be significant, I know every small milestone is still an improvement. Just have to keep trusting, keep walking, and keep praying.

如果我们每天祈祷，有一天一定会到达那里

Forgiveness

With the recent tragic accident that has happened to the Yap family, it certainly brought back emotions that were invoked 3-4 years ago... Still remember the scene at SGH's A&E on that fateful Sunday morning. Still remember having the Christmas celebration at church office when I received that call... Following that was a trying period that my family had to go through for a period of 1-2 years. Wondered how daddy felt when he was in a coma and when he died for 4 minutes... Wonder whether he really saw God. Did he speak to Him face to face?

Preceding the recent accident at Tampines, I kept avoiding every conversation I had with my friends about this accident for fear that it would rake up the past and become emotional...

Just last year, remembered daddy crying in his room because he questioned why God had to do this to him..? To be honest, I really don't know. But I know we have to keep encouraging him to press on no matter how tough it gets. Wish I could be home everyday to speak to him and to encourage him, but with my new home at NUS, it's really difficult to find time off to travel home. Although this feeling isn't really good, but I know God's doing something, somehow.

And I think God did something magical in my heart last night as we sang 10,000 reasons and Jesus I Live for service.

I was indeed reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in this world despite the ugliness of humanity. And I chanced upon this article about the Yap family. Despite everything that has happened, the father of the 2 boys mentioned in his interview with the press: "as a Christian, I must learn to forgive..." Somehow as I read that, tears just welled up in my eyes. Somehow, felt that I could identify a little of what he meant.

Thank you God for reminding me once again that I need to learn to forgive. Just like how You forgave and loved us, help me to become more like You. I want to live my life to love You. I want to live my life being grateful and thankful for all that You've done. :')

I live to praise You Lord
I live to love You Lord
I live to glorify Your name
I live to worship You