Graduation

A swell of relief and gratefulness mixed with fatigue as I scrambled to check my results at 7.20am. I was thrilled to unveil the conclusion of my undergrad life while struggling to find the right words to aptly describe the thankfulness in my heart.

I was never stellar in academics, with a slew of average grades at most. I recall vivid images of primary and secondary school report cards being splotched with remarks highlighting the display of good character, but nothing much about my hardy attempt at good grades. I thought university would be the same.

Recounting all these gripped me with a sense of mawkish nostalgia, at how perfectly average I am. I had to rely heavily on friends, and whole lot more on God. Sketchy images of late night studying with utown/engin friends, tables strewn with books and papers, coupled with constant laments and errant exchanges with God - all of which underscoring the need for God and friends in my life.

Despite such valiant efforts in keeping to regimes, balancing ministry and school was tough. When the harsh reality of hard work in ministry and lofty intellectual ideals collide, what will we choose?

Trusting Him in spite of turning down internship offers and early job placements at DSO in exchange for more time in ministry; it was difficult, I abhorred the process. But it was the truest, most satisfying experience in my Christian upkeep. While many may see this as cavalier, I saw this as trusting Him.

Exams too was arduous. I recall exams at mpsh trailed with a long hallway, tiled floors, beige walls with squared windows, which allowed the soft glow of the sun to blend with the luminescence of fluorescent lights that buzzed overhead. The cold air-con air exacerbating exam chills, with stress pelting your heart with nervous jitters.

"You have 15 minutes left and no one is allowed to leave the exam hall..."

More often than not, I find myself transfixed at the exam clock, mostly from wide-eyed bewilderment in being unable to comprehend engin complexities. But fast forward time, I made it nonetheless, with a decent 2nd upper honours degree.

My final semester summed it up pretty well, with a healthy mix of exercising and eating well. The journey here had left a deep imprint of friends, memories and blessings, and that God had always been the ultimate orchestrator of it all.

God was a link to my past and, I know without any doubt, a bridge to my future. It was one of the only things in my world that I am sure of, and I'm adamant in not letting go of that completely.

Here's to all undergrad friends who are still undergoing the motion: I pray we go through it well and eventually teach a stoical acceptance of suffering and perhaps a sort of disdain towards academia; such ardor is integral to succeeding well. Too many build up their heads without minding their hearts. Don't just chase intellect, but pursue passion and a greater purpose in life and in what you aspire to do.

2 decades of education taught me much about myself, mostly about how He can use mediocre people like me. Wasn't outstanding to begin with, but with Him, we can shine. Jesus Christ taught me discipline in suffering, and hard work through perspective. Of the lot, He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I've graduated!

Reflection, Post Semester

The college stint took a toll on my family duties of late. But post semester has now paved way for more daily bus rides homebound.

Seeing daddy clasping his hands and holding a wistful smile, together with a slight tremulous voice in his replies to my errant exchanges every morning; it's nice. Either I saw this as naivete, or something as far more beautiful to me.

It just struck me that the time I spend at home is terribly disproportional to how much I treasure family.

This irks me, and is a reflection point.

A Random Rumination

If we truly are to believe we have been saved, then it must be from the brink of certain death.

Anything less does not warrant saving beyond this side of eternity.

Weeding the Garden of My Heart

Amidst the vast expanse of a grassland, lies a garden reflecting hues of yellow and green from its yearly summer bloom of flora. A fleeting glance of the sight cajoles an impeccable imagery of paradise. Oh what a glorious sight.

However at a closer glance, the edges of flowers reveal hints of impending doom; traces of foreign plants, going against the normalcy of what a perfect garden should entail.

Weeds.

Some have walked too long with clouds overhead, and grown to love the dark of shade.

Cowering under the flattery of highly alluring flowers, weeds are grown; out of sight, out of mind. If not careful, by the turn of a season, the summer bloom might just regress into destruction.

Isn't this an apt parallel of our hearts? Whatever we keep secret (or sacred for that matter), in the shade of our beguiling persona, we run the risk of a looming catastrophe.

Navigating the precipice of the heart is a deep sense of vulnerability, an acknowledgement of that which is beyond our control. Weeding the garden of the heart takes immense security, but with rewards far outweighing the smothering subjugation from the weeds.

A musing in my mind of late.

A Sort of Sappy Nostalgia

Feeling a deep sense of nostalgia as I discover the semester coming to a permanent closure. What a poignant reminder mid-semester.

The end of November would see an education of 19 years come to an end. It was a fleeting moment for me to better understand two decades of the journey. I tried to take it all in.

Wide-eyed preadulthood fades away, as does the flawless image of parent to child. But I was fortunate to have been injected with such an accumulation of feelings tonight, knowing that the journey here had left a deep imprint of friends, memories and blessings, and that God had always been the ultimate orchestrator of it all. 

I had honestly expected to leave town green with a sort of sappy nostalgia, at watching myself close a chapter, and seeing and parting with familiar faces. But it turned out to be a blessed experience for me; aspects of my life I can only hope to re-create as I go along my fledgling journey.

A New Book; A New Chapter

Decided to resume my journaling afresh on a new birthday gift, because a new book demarcates a new chapter; and even possibly a new perspective, new paradigm, new phase, new spirit... Have been trudging on a season that's overdosed with heavy heart baggages, which costed me much of my time and energy as a result of being occupied in the process of making sense of what I was feeling. In so doing, the tenets of my paradigm and beliefs in certain things I held on to were shaken tremendously and abruptly. Coping with the mammoth emotional crunch took a large chunk of my emotional-heart capacity and I find myself unable to proceed with powerful, victorious christian life. I really wonder if anyone could identify?

What does it really mean when the psalmist attributes the turnabout of a 'heart failure' to God being "the strength of his heart and his portion forever"?

Whatever it is, I'm determined to walk through this with God. I want to be absolutely adamant in being steadfast, righteous and loving. Whatever deceits the devil clogs my heart with, I pray for a contrite heart in return. This is my new chapter.

Why I Am Unstoppable

My name is Marcus
And I am unstoppable

I don't flirt with or date the church
I'm not infatuated with the church
I have no illusion that the church is perfect

What I have is a commitment to love God's church
Not just with words but with my hands and feet
I'll neither point finger nor look further for the answers in the mirror

I believe God's not dead; He's building the church He died for
A living miracle of a bunch of imperfect people loving imperfect people
I believe God has called us to build this church without walls

My name is Marcus
I am a living stone of God's church
And together we are unstoppable